


Virtu!

by smallsizenun



Category: Doctrine of Labyrinths - Sarah Monette
Genre: Gen, Humor, Pure Crack, Spoof
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-16
Updated: 2016-06-16
Packaged: 2018-07-15 12:45:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7222882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smallsizenun/pseuds/smallsizenun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An affectionate spoof which could also be described as The Virtu in Fifteen (AU) Minutes.   If such is not your cup of tea, then read no further.  Also, there's no sex, no violence, and no profanity (sorry about that!).</p>
            </blockquote>





	Virtu!

### VIRTU! (The Musical)

Cast: Felix (tenor)  
Mildmay (baritone)  
Mavortian, Bernard, Gideon (no violence, remember?) (chorus)  
Malkar (basso)  
Vey Coruscant (soprano)  
Vey's Henchmen (2d chorus)  
Cameo appearances by: Mehitabel, Madame Kolkhis, and the Hairy Eyeball

### ACT I

 **SCENE 1:** _Somewhere on the road to Mélusine. Enter FELIX, MILDMAY, MAVORTIAN, BERNARD and GIDEON, arms linked and skipping (ensemble, tune: "Follow the Yellow Brick Road")_

All: Follow the emperor's road,  
Follow the emperor's road,  
Follow the emperor,  
Follow the emperor,  
Follow the emperor's road --

_(They all stop dead as a large computer monitor materializes in front of them and the figure of MALKAR appears on the screen.)_

Malkar _(shaking his fist at Felix)_ : I'll get you, my pretty! You _and_ your little ~~dog~~ brother! I'll huff and I'll puff -- _(the image freezes in mid-sentence)_

Bernard: Powers! What _is_ that?

Felix: It's Malkar. He's doing a sending.

Gideon: Though I rather think his browser is not responding.

Felix _(shrugging)_ : He isn't very good at modern technology.

_(The monitor vanishes in a puff of smoke.)_

**SCENE 2:** _A room in an inn in Farflung. FELIX and MILDMAY conversing._

Mildmay: ...and the closer we get to home, the more I think I'm gonna need... the obligation d'âme. _(sfx: BUDDA-BOOM!)_

Felix: The obligation d'âme?! _(sfx: budda-boom!)_ Do you know what you're saying?

Mildmay: 'Course I do. Sorta.

Felix: Oh, all right then. Give me your hands. _(They clasp hands. Duet, tune: Bing Crosby, "Temptation.")_

Felix: You came, I was alone,  
I should have known  
You were temptation.  
Mildmay: You came, we hadda scram,  
Go on the lam,  
What aggravation.  
Felix: It would be thrilling  
If you were willing --  
Mildmay: (aside) Like at the dentist  
Getting a filling!  
Felix: For you were born to be kissed,  
I can't resist --  
Mildmay: If you insist,  
I'm just a slave,  
Only a slave to you.  
Together: Tempta-a-tionn! _(sfx: BUDDA-BOOM!)_

### ACT II

 **SCENE 1:** _The Hall of the Chimeras in the Mirador. The Virtu, a 3-foot-high Mogul socket lightbulb, rests on a pedestal. Enter FELIX and MILDMAY._

Felix: Well, here it is. Do you really think we can do it?

Mildmay: Sure. How many brothers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Felix: _(aside)_ It doesn't look nearly spacious enough. _(to Mildmay)_ Very well then, here goes. _(They clasp hands. Felix casts a spell, tune: The Grateful Dead, "Turn On Your Love Light".)_

Felix: Come on Virtu, Virtu please,  
I'm beggin' you baby 'cause I'm on my knees.  
Turn on your light, let it shine on me,  
Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine!

_(The Virtu lights up as a lava lamp. Felix faints.)_

**SCENE 2:** _FELIX's suite in the Mirador. FELIX going over his mail with MILDMAY, MAVORTIAN, BERNARD and GIDEON looking on._

Felix: Bill, bill, junk mail, bill... _(gasps)_ Oh no! Here's a letter from Vey Coruscant, challenging me to a sorcerous duel.

Mildmay: _(aside)_ I think I know where this is heading.

Felix: You must get to her first and stop her somehow.

Mildmay: Yep, that's where I thought it was heading.

_(Song, Mildmay, Felix, and Chorus, tune: Groucho, "Hello I Must Be Going" from Animal Crackers.)_

Mildmay: Goodbye I must be going  
I'd rather stay --  
Felix: But there's no way,  
You must be going.  
Mildmay: And what will happen next  
I am not knowing.  
Chorus: Yes what will happen next  
Has got us all perplexed,  
And suspense exp-  
onentially is growing.  
Mildmay: Oh please don't have a cow,  
I'm outta here right now,  
Felix: 'Cause I am telling you  
You must be going. _(Exit Mildmay)_

### ACT III

 **SCENE 1:** _In front of VEY CORUSCANT's house, her HENCHMEN guarding it (rap: with apologies to R. Crumb and the Rough Tough Cream Puff)._

Henchmen: We take no guff  
When we strut our stuff,  
We're Vey's henchmen sure enough.  
We're lean and mean,  
We'll bop your bean,  
We're the baddest dudes you've ever seen!

_(Enter MILDMAY.)_

Mildmay: 'Scuse me, I'm looking for the Coruscant residence?

Head Henchman _(drawing himself up)_ : This house is Vey Coruscant's, no one's else.

_(Mildmay gives him the hairy eyeball, then goes up to the door, which opens with a loud creak before he can knock on it. He goes in.)_

**SCENE 2:** _VEY's parlor. VEY and MALKAR having cocktails._

Malkar: ...and I trust you will defeat that ingrate former pupil of mine.

Vey: You know you can rely on me. _(Duet, tune: Sonny and Cher, "I Got You Babe".)_

Vey: They say you're rotten to the core,  
They say you sneer, they say you snore.  
Malkar: But I got you to hold my hand  
And I got you to understaaand.  
Vey. Vey. Vey. Vey.  
I got you Vey,  
I got you Vey,  
I got you Vey,  
Vey: And baby, I've got you. _(They clink glasses.)_

_(Enter MILDMAY. VEY looks across the room and sees him. sfx: BOING!)_

Vey _(slinking over)_ : Well hello there, short, red, and foxy. Can I _(batting her eyelashes)_ ...get you anything?

Mildmay _(oblivious)_ : Um, thanks, I could use a cold brewski.

_(She pours him a glass of beer from the wet bar.)_

Malkar: _(spluttering)_ : Wait, what are you doing? Stop that at once! Don't you see he's one of the enemy?!

Vey: Oh put a lid on it, Mal, I'm only being polite to the guest.

Malkar: Faithless child! _(waving his hands, starts to cast a spell at her)_ Frammin' at the jim jam --

Mildmay: Hey, that's no way to treat a lady! _(empties his beer glass over Malkar's head)_

Malkar: Aaaaaaagh! I'm melting! Melllting! _(deliquesces into a puddle, leaving behind a large pair of ruby carpet slippers)_

Vey: He ensorcelled me with evil spells to make me do his bidding, but now you've saved me! _(swoons into Mildmay's arms)_ Oh, the excitement is too much. You must help me to my boudoir so we, I mean I, can lie down.

_(Suddenly the door bursts open and MEHITABEL strides in.)_

Mehitabel: Not so fast, sister! If this were the real plot, _I_ would be you!

_(FELIX rushes in and bumps into MEHITABEL.)_

Felix: Wait one moment there! It just so happens that he's _my_ esclavin!

_(Madame KOLKHIS appears in the doorway and brushes past FELIX and MEHITABEL.)_

Kolkhis: I'm afraid you're all out of luck. _I_ have a prior claim on him.

_(The four of them start squabbling. As the argument grows more heated, MILDMAY quietly tiptoes out the door.)_

**FINALE:** _In front of the house. MILDMAY and the HENCHMEN, now also released from MALKAR's evil spell._

Mildmay _(muttering)_ : ...and I didn't even get to finish my beer.

Head Henchman: Hey, we're just going off duty. Wanna come round to the pub with us?

Second Henchman: Yeah, it's story-telling night, and they've got Old Ekube on tap.

Mildmay _(brightening)_ : Sounds like a plan.

Head Henchman: Good, then you can have this here eyeball back. _(Exeunt, the HENCHMEN intoning.)_

Henchmen: The unexpected happened,  
And other stuff did not.  
Forgive us for the rappin'  
And for this mangled plot.

### THE END

**Author's Note:**

> "This house is Vey Coruscant's, no one's else" is actually a parody of a parody ("This house was Eriphyle's, no one's else," A.E. Housman, _Fragment of a Greek Tragedy_ ), thus occasioning Mildmay's eyeball deployment.
> 
> Ekube is the little town that Mildmay said had not much to recommend it "beyond a local beer that was the most amazing stuff I'd ever had in my life" when he and Felix were journeying to Troia.


End file.
